Fleeting Romance, Searching for love

Pyar toh hain magan, pyar toh hain junoon
Sirf milne se milta nahin hai sukoon....
- Junoon, Pyar Bina

Soul needs beauty for a soul mate...
What the soul wants, the soul waits.
I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance of a man and a woman
- U2, A Man and a Woman

Alhamdullilah I've been married for six and a half years now. To some, that may seem short. To others, that may seem like forever. As for myself, I go back and forth. Sometimes I think my marriage is still very young and I feel like it happened only yesterday, and other times, I can't remember what life was like before I was married.

I do know that before I got married, and even probably a good two or three years into my marriage, I was a super hopeless romantic and believed in this fairy tale notion of love, romance, and soul mates. Its funny that I did, because thats not at all how it happened for me. I mean, don't get me wrong, my husband did his share of trying to be romantic but fell into a huge cheese trap instead most of the time. But, I appreciate his efforts. But if you asked me how I wanted it to be before I got married, I would have related a long and dramatic Bollywood type love story and proposal. Even after I got married, I would watch all the cheesy romantic movies, and wasn't able to see past the flowers, small gifts, and surprises as romance. My husband, much like most other typical guys, is not really into the whole flower and surprise thing, so it didn't happen very often.

As my marriage matured, I learned more about life, and through my various conversations with married people, single people, divorced people, I learned that reality is closer to how its described above by Junoon and U2. Love is not this fairytale story where you are constantly showered with gifts and romantic whisperings. There is no ONE person out there that is your soul mate and only he can connect with you. Sometimes I feel like we all believe in the existence of this one person, and in our search for that one person, we pass up opportunities that could have been our happiness. Whether that opportunity is passing up a proposal that just didn't fit your criteria, or whether that opportunity is not giving your all or feeling "it" in a marriage that you have been blessed with. We think that only a certain type of person will make us happy, but really, there's no formula. I wish there was, it would make every thing so much easier.

Romance is not how many times a month you get flowers or surprises, its actually the tiny little displays of mercy you show your spouse every day. Yet I was (and sometimes still am) guilty of searching for the fairytale romance, when all the time, I had something much more valuable, much more substantive in front of me all along - a meaningful relationship and love. I don't mean to sound all cheesy so don't take this the wrong way. I remember when I heard the chorus to U2's A Man and a Woman for the first time, 'I could never take a chance, of losing love to find romance' and realized how true this really was. Many hear this and think its too bittersweet, that it's a verse full of hopelessness - that its talking about settling, and accepting a routine, safe, life. But really, your soul mate is a person you share love with, thats what makes him your soulmate. Not romance. And by saying, 'I could never take a chance of losing love to find romance,' its appreciating that strength and spirituality that such a relationship brings into your life and admits that romance is fleeting while love is constant.

But is love constant? What makes people fall out of love? Or stop loving each other? Or stop loving each other the way they used to? I know enough people who are unhappy in their marriages to know that theres a truth to Junoon's 'sirf milne se milta nahin hain sukoon.' So many people I know marry their "soulmate" or their dream spouse, only to find themselves lost three or five or ten years down the road. You can't just find love and expect everything to be as peaches and cream as it is for the first 6 months of your relationship. It's not just about finding love and expecting everything else to just fall into place. It's about working together to make the relationship meaningful, and about loving each other's hearts, along with all the flaws associated with that heart. Its about finding the good in an imperfect person, and making them to be perfect in your eyes. No spouse or marriage is perfect from the day you marry them, and they never become perfect throughout your marriage, but its those imperfections and your ability to love them what makes them perfect for you. That's where the sukoon comes from.