A Struggle to the Journey

So its been about 3 weeks since I have returned from Hajj (well maybe two and a half) and I keep having dreams - either about the people we went with, or the places we visited, or just traveling in general. It seems so blurry now - like a really long dream.

I am still trying to understand everything and Dr. Umar had warned me it will take time. Subhanallah its amazing how my duas are being answered. One of the duas I made most often was for Iman, who I had left behind with my parents and in laws. I kept praying to God to keep her safe, healthy, and happy while we were gone, but more importantly, to let her return to her normal self when we returned and not be traumatized by our leaving her for three weeks. Alhamdullilah, my prayers were answered. It is as if we never left.

Leaving her was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Last year, there was the possibility of Nawawi going to Hajj. When it didn't work out, they said they would definitely try for 2006. So Tariq told me, I want to go. I was the one, however, who didn't feel comfortable. I couldn't leave my daughter behind. Especially for two weeks. Looking back now, I realize that me not wanting to leave her behind was more for me, not for her. Kids are resilient, they grow up and adjust whether their parents are there or not. Throughout the year, the idea of going to Hajj kept coming into our conversations. We didn't travel as we usually do in the summer so that we could save our money just in case we decided to go to Hajj. It was something that Tariq and I didn't see eye to eye - I didn't understand why he was so cool about leaving her behind and he didn't understand why I was so nervous about leaving her behind. I told him to start considering the prospect of going alone and taking me later. Yet there was always something in my heart that made me feel like I shouldn't pass up the opportunity either.

As Hajj came closer, I started to become more open to the idea, and then when Nawawi announced its intention to go, my struggle began. Is it selfish of me to leave my child behind just so I can go on Hajj with Dr. Umar? Or is it selfish of me to want to stay with my child and not go to find God? I kept struggling with these questions until a friend put it all in perspective. She told me, "You know Nadiah, we could never love our kids enough, but at the same time, we love them so much, that they often take the place in our hearts that should only be for Allah and His Messenger." Wow. Is this the case with me? Am I so involved with my child that I have lost perspective of who she really belongs to? Of who we all really belong to? Is the fact that I don't want to leave her behind just a control issue? That I don't want to give "control" to someone else? By staying with her, and not going to Hajj, am I indicating that I don't have trust in Allah to take care of her while I am away, and if I should pass while I'm there, to take care of her for her entire life?

I kept struggling with all these questions as I continued to make istikhaara about leaving Iman. I kept asking Allah to give me a clear sign, to make it so the decision was already made. The situation had gotten a little bit more complicated since Nawawi had recently announced that the trip was actually going to be 3 weeks long instead of 2. I can't leave Iman for 3 weeks can I? But then again, its only 1 more week than 2. By now, Tariq had also started struggling with the idea of leaving her behind for so long.

Dr. Umar called me to discuss something I was working on for him, and then, the Hajj trip was brought up. I explained to him our dilemma, that we were really undecided because we didn't know if we should leave Iman behind. And his response was so simple, but in that moment, my decision was made that we had to go. He said to me, "In any case, I can't make this decision for you - you know your daughter better than anyone else and what is best for her. What I do know, though, is when you make the Hajj - that is a woman's jihad - and in fulfilling that obligation, Allah opens doors that you never even imagined."

I called Tariq right away and said that we couldn't walk away from this opportunity anymore. We had to just say Bismillah and trust God that He would make everything right. Alhamdulillah He did. The morning we left, Iman was so happy. More than usual. She smiled so sweetly as we said goodbye, so happily. I can never be grateful enough for all the blessings of this journey, that started from that morning. Not only did He take care of our daughter, His gift to us, but He let us experience such a beautiful journey in the greatest of company. A few days after I returned, Iman and I were alone in the house, and we had just finished lunch, and all of a sudden, she said to me, "Thank you Mommy." I asked her, "Thank you for what Baby?" And she so sweetly, genuinely, said, "Thank you for going to Hajj Mommy."