Marriage, Fertility, and Patience

So there's been a lot on my mind this summer, and I've been meaning to write about it, but didn't know where to start.

I feel like in our parents' generation, particularly in the Desi culture, but probably also in the Arab culture, there is this perpetual obsession with marriage and fertility. For the first twenty-some years of a girl's life, her parents are obsessed with getting her married. And, if it doesn't happen on their expected timeline, they become more obsessed, more depressed, more psycho about it. Finally when the time does come, perhaps the girl breathes a sigh of relief that its finally time and her parents will back off. Only she will quickly learn that the silence will only be temporary, as their new obsession with her reproducing will now be the focus of their discussions with her. And if that doesn't happen on their expected timeline, discussions of infertility will surface. Isn't it interesting, this obsession with marriage and fertility? I really do feel like its specific to Desi (probably Arab too) parents. I feel like non-desi or non-Arab cultures aren't as obsessed with it. The attitude in America is so laid back about marriage. You're not considered "old" after you turn 25 if you're still single. Its so much more acceptable to be single. Or married without children. Or married without children for 10 years.

In the past few months, its something I've thought a lot about. At the end of the day, we all know that it is written for us, that no matter how hard we try, no matter what we do, when we get married or when we reproduce is entirely in Allah's hands. So why is that so hard for parents, and even us, to accept? Truly, this "waiting game" is a test of trust, but more importantly, a test of patience. I know a lot of single girls playing this waiting game - meeting prospectives every so often, maybe even getting their hopes up, only to be disappointed when it doesn't work out. Only to move on to the next prospective, but still finding faults in themselves for why they are not married. To complicate their lives further, their mothers and aunts and older relatives criticize their every move as well. "It's the fact that you're not lady-like. It turns boys off." "You're too aggressive, be passive in front of him." "You're too educated. It's intimidating." This constant obsession, and continual discussion in the home will drive any girl crazy and increase the pressure she is already feeling. And to say that it just wasn't meant to be, that Allah didn't will it, is just not a satisfactory explanation enough for them. Indeed, this is a test of patience. A test of whether or not you don't lose faith that there is someone out there. That you don't start wondering at the hundredth bridal shower you are invited to, "Why not me?"

Then there's the fertility issue. I know so many couples trying to conceive. Or who have just conceived after years of trying. Or who conceived when not even actively trying. Or who conceived and didn't want to conceive. Or who haven't conceived because they just want to live a child-free life for a bit longer. When I see some couples who want children so bad, and don't have them, my heart goes out to them. I can only imagine what every month must be like, waiting to see if your pregnancy test is positive. And what it must feel like to be disappointed. It doesn't help that most pregnancy symptoms are also PMS symptoms, so it is not too inconceivable that a woman wanting to get pregnant would get her hopes up every month when she feels bloated, or nauseated, or breast tenderness. And it also doesn't help that the elders keep reminding you of your non-pregnant status. "You should have all your kids close together. So that they grow up together." "Oh doesn't that baby look precious in your arms. Won't it be so sweet if you had one of your own?" "You know, so and so went to such ans such doctor for fertility treatment and it worked beautifully. Maybe you should try it too." This too, is a test of patience. Of struggling to be content with God's decision as you watch another month of trying to conceive pass you by. Of keeping your cool when someone gives you free advice about when, where and how you should conceive. Or asks you when you are going to start a family. Or expand your family. Of not feeling envious when you see yet another pregnant woman or a newborn infant.

Subhanallah these are matters that you have no control over. I know of one woman who tried for years, decades even, to have a baby with her husband. After several failed attempts of in-vitro fertilization, and fertility drug after fertility drug, they gave up. Only to discover that they conceived naturally after she was above 40. Now, mashallah they have a 7 year old son. Subhanllah, I hear that story and I feel so happy that they were granted this gift, but when I think of the emotional (forget the financial) trauma they must have gone through for the majority of their marriage, I have no words to describe how I feel. Its a very bittersweet feeling. There is another woman who tried for years to conceive and didn't so instead adopted. Only to find herself pregnant half-way through the adoption process. There are so many stories like this. They only prove that no matter how much you try, at the end of the day, the power lies with Him.

Its very easy for me to say that we all must trust Allah and be patient with what has been decreed for us, but I know it is one of the hardest struggles we experience as human beings. All trials that we are faced with have an underlying test of patience - whether you've been diagnosed with an illness and you're waiting to recover, or you've experienced a death in the family and you're waiting to move on, or you're waiting to find that one right person or waiting to see the pregnancy test line go positive - you're always waiting. And the true test is how we respond to the waiting game.