It was 1997. Wow. 1997 feels like it was yesterday. Really. In 1997 I was a sophomore in highschool. 2 years away from graduation. From getting engaged. From starting college at U of C. 3 years away from getting married. Where has the time gone?
Time is interesting. Because on the one hand, 1997 seems so long ago that I can' remember much about it except that I turned 16 that year - and that too, because I did the math. But on the other hand, when someone says 10 years ago it was 1997 - its like - whoa - that was THAT long ago?
How quickly time passes by - and how quickly we let it pass by. How quickly we forget the daily lessons we learn or the experiences that especially impact us....just thinking of all I have experienced in the past three years - graduation, pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood, grad school, Hajj - I know these experiences will fade into the background and 10 years from now, in 2017, I will be wondering where the time went and what it was I actually did in those 10 years.
In 1997 I used to look up to my older cousins and other older friends in the community who were 25, 26 years old and used to not be able to imagine where I'd be when I would be 25. I'm 25 now, almost 26 - are 16 year olds looking to me now and wondering the same thing? Do they see my life, my experiences, and wonder what their life will be like when they're my age?
Sometimes I forget I'm 25. I find myself looking up to "older" people and realizing that these people are now my peers, my equals, or maybe even younger than me. Sometimes I am surprised to hear that some people are as young as they are.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
A Struggle to the Journey
So its been about 3 weeks since I have returned from Hajj (well maybe two and a half) and I keep having dreams - either about the people we went with, or the places we visited, or just traveling in general. It seems so blurry now - like a really long dream.
I am still trying to understand everything and Dr. Umar had warned me it will take time. Subhanallah its amazing how my duas are being answered. One of the duas I made most often was for Iman, who I had left behind with my parents and in laws. I kept praying to God to keep her safe, healthy, and happy while we were gone, but more importantly, to let her return to her normal self when we returned and not be traumatized by our leaving her for three weeks. Alhamdullilah, my prayers were answered. It is as if we never left.
Leaving her was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Last year, there was the possibility of Nawawi going to Hajj. When it didn't work out, they said they would definitely try for 2006. So Tariq told me, I want to go. I was the one, however, who didn't feel comfortable. I couldn't leave my daughter behind. Especially for two weeks. Looking back now, I realize that me not wanting to leave her behind was more for me, not for her. Kids are resilient, they grow up and adjust whether their parents are there or not. Throughout the year, the idea of going to Hajj kept coming into our conversations. We didn't travel as we usually do in the summer so that we could save our money just in case we decided to go to Hajj. It was something that Tariq and I didn't see eye to eye - I didn't understand why he was so cool about leaving her behind and he didn't understand why I was so nervous about leaving her behind. I told him to start considering the prospect of going alone and taking me later. Yet there was always something in my heart that made me feel like I shouldn't pass up the opportunity either.
As Hajj came closer, I started to become more open to the idea, and then when Nawawi announced its intention to go, my struggle began. Is it selfish of me to leave my child behind just so I can go on Hajj with Dr. Umar? Or is it selfish of me to want to stay with my child and not go to find God? I kept struggling with these questions until a friend put it all in perspective. She told me, "You know Nadiah, we could never love our kids enough, but at the same time, we love them so much, that they often take the place in our hearts that should only be for Allah and His Messenger." Wow. Is this the case with me? Am I so involved with my child that I have lost perspective of who she really belongs to? Of who we all really belong to? Is the fact that I don't want to leave her behind just a control issue? That I don't want to give "control" to someone else? By staying with her, and not going to Hajj, am I indicating that I don't have trust in Allah to take care of her while I am away, and if I should pass while I'm there, to take care of her for her entire life?
I kept struggling with all these questions as I continued to make istikhaara about leaving Iman. I kept asking Allah to give me a clear sign, to make it so the decision was already made. The situation had gotten a little bit more complicated since Nawawi had recently announced that the trip was actually going to be 3 weeks long instead of 2. I can't leave Iman for 3 weeks can I? But then again, its only 1 more week than 2. By now, Tariq had also started struggling with the idea of leaving her behind for so long.
Dr. Umar called me to discuss something I was working on for him, and then, the Hajj trip was brought up. I explained to him our dilemma, that we were really undecided because we didn't know if we should leave Iman behind. And his response was so simple, but in that moment, my decision was made that we had to go. He said to me, "In any case, I can't make this decision for you - you know your daughter better than anyone else and what is best for her. What I do know, though, is when you make the Hajj - that is a woman's jihad - and in fulfilling that obligation, Allah opens doors that you never even imagined."
I called Tariq right away and said that we couldn't walk away from this opportunity anymore. We had to just say Bismillah and trust God that He would make everything right. Alhamdulillah He did. The morning we left, Iman was so happy. More than usual. She smiled so sweetly as we said goodbye, so happily. I can never be grateful enough for all the blessings of this journey, that started from that morning. Not only did He take care of our daughter, His gift to us, but He let us experience such a beautiful journey in the greatest of company. A few days after I returned, Iman and I were alone in the house, and we had just finished lunch, and all of a sudden, she said to me, "Thank you Mommy." I asked her, "Thank you for what Baby?" And she so sweetly, genuinely, said, "Thank you for going to Hajj Mommy."
I am still trying to understand everything and Dr. Umar had warned me it will take time. Subhanallah its amazing how my duas are being answered. One of the duas I made most often was for Iman, who I had left behind with my parents and in laws. I kept praying to God to keep her safe, healthy, and happy while we were gone, but more importantly, to let her return to her normal self when we returned and not be traumatized by our leaving her for three weeks. Alhamdullilah, my prayers were answered. It is as if we never left.
Leaving her was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Last year, there was the possibility of Nawawi going to Hajj. When it didn't work out, they said they would definitely try for 2006. So Tariq told me, I want to go. I was the one, however, who didn't feel comfortable. I couldn't leave my daughter behind. Especially for two weeks. Looking back now, I realize that me not wanting to leave her behind was more for me, not for her. Kids are resilient, they grow up and adjust whether their parents are there or not. Throughout the year, the idea of going to Hajj kept coming into our conversations. We didn't travel as we usually do in the summer so that we could save our money just in case we decided to go to Hajj. It was something that Tariq and I didn't see eye to eye - I didn't understand why he was so cool about leaving her behind and he didn't understand why I was so nervous about leaving her behind. I told him to start considering the prospect of going alone and taking me later. Yet there was always something in my heart that made me feel like I shouldn't pass up the opportunity either.
As Hajj came closer, I started to become more open to the idea, and then when Nawawi announced its intention to go, my struggle began. Is it selfish of me to leave my child behind just so I can go on Hajj with Dr. Umar? Or is it selfish of me to want to stay with my child and not go to find God? I kept struggling with these questions until a friend put it all in perspective. She told me, "You know Nadiah, we could never love our kids enough, but at the same time, we love them so much, that they often take the place in our hearts that should only be for Allah and His Messenger." Wow. Is this the case with me? Am I so involved with my child that I have lost perspective of who she really belongs to? Of who we all really belong to? Is the fact that I don't want to leave her behind just a control issue? That I don't want to give "control" to someone else? By staying with her, and not going to Hajj, am I indicating that I don't have trust in Allah to take care of her while I am away, and if I should pass while I'm there, to take care of her for her entire life?
I kept struggling with all these questions as I continued to make istikhaara about leaving Iman. I kept asking Allah to give me a clear sign, to make it so the decision was already made. The situation had gotten a little bit more complicated since Nawawi had recently announced that the trip was actually going to be 3 weeks long instead of 2. I can't leave Iman for 3 weeks can I? But then again, its only 1 more week than 2. By now, Tariq had also started struggling with the idea of leaving her behind for so long.
Dr. Umar called me to discuss something I was working on for him, and then, the Hajj trip was brought up. I explained to him our dilemma, that we were really undecided because we didn't know if we should leave Iman behind. And his response was so simple, but in that moment, my decision was made that we had to go. He said to me, "In any case, I can't make this decision for you - you know your daughter better than anyone else and what is best for her. What I do know, though, is when you make the Hajj - that is a woman's jihad - and in fulfilling that obligation, Allah opens doors that you never even imagined."
I called Tariq right away and said that we couldn't walk away from this opportunity anymore. We had to just say Bismillah and trust God that He would make everything right. Alhamdulillah He did. The morning we left, Iman was so happy. More than usual. She smiled so sweetly as we said goodbye, so happily. I can never be grateful enough for all the blessings of this journey, that started from that morning. Not only did He take care of our daughter, His gift to us, but He let us experience such a beautiful journey in the greatest of company. A few days after I returned, Iman and I were alone in the house, and we had just finished lunch, and all of a sudden, she said to me, "Thank you Mommy." I asked her, "Thank you for what Baby?" And she so sweetly, genuinely, said, "Thank you for going to Hajj Mommy."
Monday, January 15, 2007
Continuous Reminders Amongst Chaos
I just returned a week ago from Hajj. I went for three weeks with the Nawawi Foundation. Many of my friends and acquaintances went so it was a memorable journey for many reasons.
Subhanallah it was a beautiful trip, and for many reasons I can't even articulate. I think I should share my thoughts on the trip, mostly for myself - as writing my thoughts down helps me reflect on my experiences better.
Dr. Umar told us before we left that this is a journey we will never forget. He was right in so many different ways. I will never forget this journey because going and leaving my two and a half year old daughter behind was one of the hardest things I have had to do. I will never forget this journey because of all the beautiful people I met, became friends with, shared my experiences with, ate my meals with, shared a tent with, and most importantly, have become bound forever spiritually by making this journey with. I will never forget this journey because I had the esteemed honor of traveling with my close friend and teacher, Dr. Umar. Finally, I will never forget this trip because of all the small reminders Allah sent me throughout the day, every day that I was there. Here is one of them.
Escalators....
There are all types of people on Hajj. What is most amazing about it all is that even though all of us have different circumstances and we all prepare for the journey in different ways - for some it is literally their life's journey, for others it just means taking two weeks off of work - at the end of the day we all are there for the same purpose. Subhanallah though, just being aware of your surroundings and seeing all the different people is a constant reminder to you about all the blessings you have in your life - and all the good things you can learn from others. Something as ordinary as riding on an escalator is something that I have never even thought twice until I saw that it is actually an experience some fear. I saw two women holding each other with death grips while riding on an escalator, and then later that same day, I saw another who couldn't even get on. This was a common occurence in the three weeks I was there.
Of course I always knew that there are people in this world who have never seen an escalator, yet for some reason it never really hit me until that moment. For me, its not the experience of having ridden on an escalator that is important - its what the escalator represents. It represents so much - on a broader level, just technology, electricity, etc. But it also represents more intrinsic things, like the comforts and ease we have in our lives and that I am "rich" enough to actually have seen and ridden on an escalator before. It also opened my eyes to what a sheltered life I have lived this whole time - that I hardly think of the other, of my brothers and sisters around the world who don't have all the same comforts of life as I do.
It was small happenings like this that reminded me constantly of the blessings that I have in my life, the blessings I have living in America. That I was born an American Muslim, and have lived a privileged life, and not from a small village in the third world where I have to work like crazy for every crumb of bread.
I tried really hard every moment I was there to understand it all around me. To appreciate the greatness of being there, of doing Hajj, of being amongst the three million plus guests of Allah. And I usually came out disturbed that I couldn't. Perhaps I am not meant to. Perhaps its not supposed to be that easy. On some level it really is true: true appreciation of the journey I have just made will not surface until the Day of Judgment.
I pray that the lessons I learned - we all learned - on this journey and everything I saw will remain as vivid to me as it was when I was there, as it is right now sitting a week after returning. I also pray that I am able to return as I grow older, so that I can continue to increase my appreciation and understanding of this great journey.
Subhanallah it was a beautiful trip, and for many reasons I can't even articulate. I think I should share my thoughts on the trip, mostly for myself - as writing my thoughts down helps me reflect on my experiences better.
Dr. Umar told us before we left that this is a journey we will never forget. He was right in so many different ways. I will never forget this journey because going and leaving my two and a half year old daughter behind was one of the hardest things I have had to do. I will never forget this journey because of all the beautiful people I met, became friends with, shared my experiences with, ate my meals with, shared a tent with, and most importantly, have become bound forever spiritually by making this journey with. I will never forget this journey because I had the esteemed honor of traveling with my close friend and teacher, Dr. Umar. Finally, I will never forget this trip because of all the small reminders Allah sent me throughout the day, every day that I was there. Here is one of them.
Escalators....
There are all types of people on Hajj. What is most amazing about it all is that even though all of us have different circumstances and we all prepare for the journey in different ways - for some it is literally their life's journey, for others it just means taking two weeks off of work - at the end of the day we all are there for the same purpose. Subhanallah though, just being aware of your surroundings and seeing all the different people is a constant reminder to you about all the blessings you have in your life - and all the good things you can learn from others. Something as ordinary as riding on an escalator is something that I have never even thought twice until I saw that it is actually an experience some fear. I saw two women holding each other with death grips while riding on an escalator, and then later that same day, I saw another who couldn't even get on. This was a common occurence in the three weeks I was there.
Of course I always knew that there are people in this world who have never seen an escalator, yet for some reason it never really hit me until that moment. For me, its not the experience of having ridden on an escalator that is important - its what the escalator represents. It represents so much - on a broader level, just technology, electricity, etc. But it also represents more intrinsic things, like the comforts and ease we have in our lives and that I am "rich" enough to actually have seen and ridden on an escalator before. It also opened my eyes to what a sheltered life I have lived this whole time - that I hardly think of the other, of my brothers and sisters around the world who don't have all the same comforts of life as I do.
It was small happenings like this that reminded me constantly of the blessings that I have in my life, the blessings I have living in America. That I was born an American Muslim, and have lived a privileged life, and not from a small village in the third world where I have to work like crazy for every crumb of bread.
I tried really hard every moment I was there to understand it all around me. To appreciate the greatness of being there, of doing Hajj, of being amongst the three million plus guests of Allah. And I usually came out disturbed that I couldn't. Perhaps I am not meant to. Perhaps its not supposed to be that easy. On some level it really is true: true appreciation of the journey I have just made will not surface until the Day of Judgment.
I pray that the lessons I learned - we all learned - on this journey and everything I saw will remain as vivid to me as it was when I was there, as it is right now sitting a week after returning. I also pray that I am able to return as I grow older, so that I can continue to increase my appreciation and understanding of this great journey.
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